Erin
and Chris’ Letter of Advice
My dearest little sister to whom I would
travel around the world for in order to keep safe ,and whom I consider more of
a best friend that is always there to help pick up the pieces of so many other
people’s lives. Chris, the one person to whom I can see as always being there
to take the place of guardian, protector and friend for several years. I am writing this letter in the hopes that
your engagement and future marriage is one filled not only with love, caring
and the future of nieces and/nephews, but with an understanding of how to break
down the barriers of effective interpersonal interactions, finding the perfect
strategy for active, critical, and empathic listening along with knowing that
words can be powerful in creating and affecting attitudes, behavior even
perception. Also, how important it is to have some kind of strategy to manage
any interpersonal conflicts as well as gaining an understanding of the impact
of gender and culture in interpersonal communication.
It is my hope and prayer that you both find
this letter full of good advice as well as helpful in avoiding any
communication problems that arise now and in the future between you both at
home or in the work place.
Barriers of effective
interpersonal interactions
Erin and Chris, as you embark on this new
journey of your lives you will both need to understand that communication is
not just for group discussions, but also for those times when you want or feel
you need to share information. By breaking down the barriers that affect your
interpersonal communication, you both will open a passageway to “setting a
great example for talking to one another, family members at home, new
neighbors, co-workers in the office, by working on this you both will be able
to communicate or interact and affect each other in positive ways with dyadic
communication since it involves two people.” (Sole, K.2011) By having this dyadic communication you
will be able to avoid the common obstacles or psychological factors that
contribute to the disruptive effects on interpersonal communication. By avoiding such obstacles such as
defensiveness- an excessive concern with protecting yourself from being hurt,
motivational distortion-wanting to hear only certain parts of what is being
discussed, self-preoccupation-also known as one upping and not realizing that
this has a negative effect on the other person, and game playing- the
manipulative interactions with foreseen outcomes, that you or someone else
hides the true intentions of the conversation that is being had. Having these barriers broken down and
avoiding or being prepared for any of the obstacles that may disrupt your
interpersonal communication will help in setting up a strategy for active,
critical and empathic listening skills.
Strategies for active,
critical and empathic listening skills
As H. Norman Wright put it so bluntly,
“One of the greatest gifts you can give to your spouse is the gift of
listening. It can be an act of connection and caring. Often when two people are
talking, to one another their conversations and dialogues fall on that of the
deaf. Basically, they are talking at one another instead of to one another.
Listen to your spouse, he or she feels;”
I must be worth hearing.” If, you ignore your
spouse, the thought could be one;” What I
said was not important or “He or She
does not care about me!” Understand listening is much different than hearing. Listening is that you are
trying to understand the other person’s feelings. Hearing is passive, while
listening is active. By sitting silently and, shutting your mouth you might
find that not only does it provide quiet, but it allows you to reflect, and
think about the day’s events and how you want to express them to the
listener. Basically, listening can be
defined in three parts. The first part is to concentrate on what you or the
other person is saying and absorbing it when most people are not listening to
what is being said to them but are already listening to what they are going to say in response. Too
often you might think you know what your partner is going to say, so you put
our minds on hold and tune each other out. Second, is accepting what each other
is saying without even judging what is being said or how it is being said. By
accepting what is being said you are not agreeing , it just means that you
understand that what the other person is saying is something that person feels
strongly about. Finally, try repeating what your partner is saying and what you
think they might be feeling while they spoke to you. Real listening signals an
obvious interest in the other person’s feelings and opinions as well as an
attempt in understanding each other from one another’s perspective. I know it may sound strange, but even just
sitting there quietly and just listening to what each of you is saying can be a
major step in strengthening your relationship with each other and in your
corporate lives. Kenny Moore found that
“silence is golden” when you stop and listen to what is being said at work
after he left his monastery. By just sitting and listening to what was being
said at his own job he found that it improved the morale of the workers and
corporate staff. Just remember that your
words hold a certain amount of power too.
The power of words
I cannot stress this enough no matter how
upset you get at each other think before you open your mouths and say something
that you both know is going hurt the others feelings. Chris, even though I have not been
around enough to truly get to know you
from what Katherine, mom and dad have said about you as well as your own mother
I know that you have a level headedness about you. Erin, while you may not like
it there are times when even you can be hurtful with a single word spoken in
hate.
Basically, you two please watch you say to
each other. While, you may not believe it your words do hold a special kind of
power. Saying the wrong word out of text could have a negative affect instead
of the positive effect on your relationship(s).
Remember, the times when you were first dating and how you would lose
track of the time while talking on the phone or at a restaurant about what
happened at work, or even your plans for the rest of the weekend? Keep this alive! The more you talk to one
another and not at one another the better, treat each other as equals , learn
what interests each of you, find out
what little secrets you have hidden away from other. Just do not pester each
other to find out about them, some things are best kept to you and off the
Internet. Find just ten minutes in your
day and just talk about happened or is happening at work or the
neighborhood. Words themselves can be
powerful tools. They can comfort you, excite you, even inspire you; most of all
words can hurt you and cause irreparable damage to your relationship with
friends and family. I know you know that words are not things; they are merely
symbols that represent things. As the linguist Robin Tomach Lakoff, asked, “How
can something that is physically just puffs of air, a mere stand-in for
reality, have the power to change us and our world?” (Lakoff, 2001, p.20)
(Sole, 2011, Chpt.4, s1) Words
themselves as a child allowed you to escape reality and learn about new and
interesting places. Words may be a symbol(s) just remember that while they
allow to leave reality they can also; mislead you into thinking that certain
symbols are what each word means. Words hold different meanings in different
places and can affect how a person will respond. I will get into this later
on. I guess what I am trying to saying
is watch what you say cause unlike what we learned as kids words really can
hurt you. On that note, you both need to
have some kind of a plan on how you are going to manage interpersonal conflict
between yourselves at home and in the work place.
Interpersonal conflict
management
Every
relationship will have its ups and downs, good times and not so good times. By
figuring out and making a plan to manage any interpersonal conflict that
happens will help prepare you both for anything that comes your way. First, figure out just how much you want to
tell each other, however do not over share information about yourselves, so
that you become a bore and make sure you take turns talking about yourselves
so, that you do not end up boring each other.
Chris, try to remember that Erin has likes and dislikes too. Erin,
remember to do the same for Chris. Both of you will have problems and you need
to sit down discuss and listen to what they are.
Tell each other
those problems, so that you can learn each other’s feelings so that you can
both be happy and content. By having
this plan not only will it help both of you, but it will help in the workplace, even with online social networks (Facebook, Twitter, Myspace), and even
in your own workplace. You both need to have some self control-the
ability to regulate what you say and how you react-this is related to strong
family bonds and low family conflict; empathy, and taking responsibility for
your actions; being able to control your temper, even understanding how each of
you feel and how your co-workers feel
about you. By being able to control your emotions, urges, and desires it will
strengthen your relationship as well as make it more intimate, since you both
will be making sacrifices of your own needs, with the willingness to help each
other in a time of need. Erin, I know
that Jeff can get on your nerves sometimes, just remember that he is part of
the family now and that while you agree to disagree on some things, keeping
your urge to express them will show that you have a plan in place for when we
come and visit in the future.
Finally, I know
that you both love to travel. Erin this
is where all of your overseas trips will come in handy. Chris, all of your motorcycling trips will
come in handy also, for what I am about to tell you. Both of you need to realize that not only do
you need to understand each other’s genders, but that certain cultures can have
both negative and positive impacts on your lives through different meanings of
words through the dialects they spoken in.
Gender and cultural impacts
Erin,
remember that you come from a heritage of German and Irish culture with a
splash of Finish. Having a temper does not mean you need to show it when you
travel everywhere. Chris, while I do not know you well enough remember that
there are some places where what you do and say can be rude and bad manners.
Before, you both go anywhere research and learn about the culture and habits of
that country you want to visit. Be a tourist, but one that has manners and
knows what the correct way is to do things and how to speak about events or ask
questions about items that you are looking for. Research and learn from one
another’s cultural ancestry as well as any other countries you want to explore
in the future. Gaining this knowledge
will help you to enjoy yourselves no matter where you decide to go in the
world. Erin your knowledge of England
and Ghana will come in handy since, you know firsthand how different cultures
react to certain words and actions can have both positive and negative results.
Your time in New York is another example of how you dealt with different
genders and how certain cultural influences helped in the understanding of meanings
of something totally different from what you thought that one certain word
was. Basically, what I am trying to say
is no matter what heritage or culture you both are make sure that try not
having any cultural differences in what you are trying to communicate to one
another or to anyone else.
While, you may
not believe what I am telling you both it can be a great experience in learning
about each other’s cultures and how different genders do certain things, as
Kathy Sole puts it “cultural heritage is transmitted, or passed down from
generation to generation. Heritage gives people cultural guidelines that become
their maps in social situations. Maps
can be wrong; it does not mean that we are going to ignore them. Having a map,
even one that has a few errors, can often be better than no map at all. It
helps by giving you the” lay of the land” as well as explains what the
perceptions and expectations of others in the society might be.” (Sole, K.
2011) In many ways you are both
foreigners. That is right foreigners, while you both grew up in the United
States, you both come from different cultures, have different customs, beliefs,
rituals that you do with or without family. In order to gain a better
understanding of each other learn about each other’s cultures, in order to
create the flexibility to be more comfortable with either set of customs, or
all of the above either way the most important thing is to learn each other’s
language so that you can speak it and understand one another.
When it comes to
understanding gender roles you both need to remember not every culture does
things the same as we have become an
accustomed to. Men do not always take on the masculine behaviors; the same can
be said for females. In different
cultural genders some men do the jobs women here do and vice versa. For example, here in the United States we
expect men not to cry during certain events in life, where women do seem to “do
it at the drop of a hat.” I’m sure you both watched some of the Olympic Games
and noticed how some of the different athletes became very emotional after
winning or losing the event they competed in. By, allowing the public to see
these emotional outbursts it allowed not only the other athletes, but the world
to know how each gender from other countries react to these outcomes in their
own special way. Learning each other’s language not only will you both gain an
understanding of how each of you talk to one another, but gain a sort of inner
understanding that even the simplest word can hold a different meaning to the
other person’s gender. For example, (taking from H. Norman Wright) “fine”can
hold different meanings. By allowing each other to be more detailed about
things you can both avoid having to pry an explanation of what each other
means. Also, allowing each other to express your emotions in different ways you
will learn, not only how not to keep things “bottled up”, but how to show each
other the ways different genders deal with expressing their innermost feelings
about events, situations and reactions to the surroundings you both interact
with on a daily basis.
Well, the kids are getting antsy and I
need to take care of a few things here before Jeff gets home, in closing my
dear sister and soon to be brother-in-law, I am basically giving this advice in
the hopes that it will strengthen your future communication and your listening
skills in the hopes that it keeps you both from having any marital conflicts
that you both cannot solve or figure out. Mom and dad, Katherine and the rest
of us are always going to be here to help you through any problems that come
your way, however by having this little piece of advice from your big sister
and future sister-in-law, you might not need to come to us since the answer is
right there in front of you on how to overcome some of the communication and
listening problems that tender to just pop up for no reason.
Work on avoiding interpersonal
communication barriers that come up with family, friends and even yourselves.
Do not play the silent card when something is bugging you either from work or
at home and do not want to discuss the matter.
Learn from each other how to be better active, critical and empathic
listeners by turning off the television, ignoring the phones and just sit down and
discuss events and activities that you both want to do, ask questions about
each other’s likes and dislikes, do not be afraid to express your feelings on
subjects that you each feel strongly about, pay attention to what is being
said, do not just pretend to be listening by giving a false reaction. Be sure you use the right words now that you
understand that what you say can have the power to change one specific word
that is said out of terminology.
Finally, Erin and Chris work on
perfecting that strategy on avoiding conflict in your interpersonal
communication with each other, you both might be amazed what ten minutes of
just expressing your feelings can do to a relationship. Try not to bore one
another either when you discuss current events that have gotten your attention,
remember not everything needs to be told or posted on Internet social sites
being private about certain things can be a good thing. Avoid tension between your cultural
upbringings and genders by learning what each of do for holidays, figure out
what family traditions you want to keep, or change so that they fit into your
different lifestyles, research your cultural heritages and places you both want
to explore together now and in the future.
Your overly protective and future sister, Jennifer.
References
Chapman, G. (2003). Covenant Marriage, chapter 5 37-42; Broadman & Holman Publishers
Harley, W.F. Jr. (March 2000) 53rd
printing. His needs, her needs,
chapter 5 57-74; Fleming H.
Moore, K. (2005). Become a better communicator by keeping your mouth shut.
The Journal for Quality and Participation, 28(2) 8-10
Schoenberg, N. (2011, January 17). Can we talk? Researchers talk about the role
of communication in happy marriages. Houston
Chronicle, pp.
7-7.
Retrieved http://www.search.proquest.com/docview/849745928?accountid=32521
Wright, H.R. (2006). How to speak your spouse’s language Center Street New York, N.Y.
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