Survival Guide of A blond-headed girl.

          It is a wonder how I have been able to survive through all of the turning points in my life. The constant moving to a new place after being there for so long, the battles over where to go for childhood vacations, the cruel punishment I put my parents through as a teenager, the lessons learned from my jobs, and the importance of having a good support group for rough times.

Background Information

             I come from many places, life for me starts on an Army base called Fort Carson located in Colorado near Colorado Springs. When I was about five years old I moved from Colorado to St. Louis, Missouri where I learned about multicultural environments being that I was growing up in a mostly all black area and being babysat by an American Indian. I was taught what values, beliefs, and traditions each culture had at school and at my babysitter’s house (Gary A. Witt, Ronald A. Mossler, 2010).

     I also, learned what it was like to be an outsider looking in and how hard it was to fit into a segregated school.  Fearing for our safety my father moved us to Lake Saint Louis, Missouri where I spent a great deal of my adolescent and young adult life.  In, 1995 I married my husband and moved to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina where I became a mother as well as a military wife.

After, serving his time in the Marines we moved back to Missouri and stayed with my mother-in-law in Maryland Heights. My husband enlisted into the Army and received orders for Fort Sill, Oklahoma. At Fort Sill, I became a mother again and a strong member of the companies Family Readiness Group(FRG). My husband then, extended his service time when we found out I was yet again going to be a mother. Our new orders were going to take us overseas to Ansbach, Germany and a completely new culture and living area. Three years later, we came back to Missouri and received orders for Fort Polk, Louisiana this time I became really involved with my husband’s different units and gained a new respect for the military family.  In May of 2008 I was forced to be the anchor for the family, while my husband was to go and serve fifteen months in Iraq.  Thanks to being a key member of the Family Readiness Group we were able to cope with the separation and the reintegration of daddy to the family. (Cited in Matze, 2005) After being in Fort Polk, for five years my husband and I were ready for a change. That change came with orders to move back to Missouri where we are currently based at Fort Leonard Wood.

Vacation Memories

       During my childhood I spent several summers and a few spring breaks going to amusement parks in California and Florida as well as going up to Sister Bay, Wisconsin where I had a great number of experiences that will last a lifetime.  My summers were spent in California spending time with my grandparents and Aunt Pat and Uncle Richard’s family going to Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, and Universal Studios as well as Sea World. Once, while in California I visited Edward’s Air force base and was able to see the Space Shuttle Challenger land. 

We even stopped once and explored Carlsbad Caverns where I learned about stalagmites and stalactites. If, my parents decided to go and visit my Aunt Janet and Uncle Joe in Florida I got to go to Disney World, and Sea World and other historic places. The best vacations from my childhood were spent in Sister Bay, Wisconsin where I got to swim in the Western Coast of Lake Michigan, go fishing on a charter boat and stay in a cabin with a television that made people look like aliens. My father even taught me how to shot a bee bee gun at empty soda cans off my swing.  Looking back on these vacations I clearly see that they affected me by showing that I will always be a child at heart, who likes simple things and spending as much time as I could with my family.

Lessons partly learned

            Being part of a family of five that always faced some kind of a change is a major part of my childhood. My mother, Pamela and father George who have endured many hardships through their marriage. Showed me that even through good times and bad times that life still goes on no matter how many knee surgeries and medications you have to take.  My two younger sisters Erin and Katherine, gave me a glimpse at how hard raising kids really is, even when you have gone through all the stages of raising one.  My grandparents from both sides taught me the joy of the outdoors and that no matter what you have to fight until the very end with cancer.  My cousins who always treated me like a little sister explaining the hardships of being a teenager and that when you meet the right person you will know.  My aunts and uncles taught me what work and perseverance can gain you almost anything in the end.

Teenage years

       As a teenager I was a hard worker at school, even with my somewhat low self-esteem. As explained in our reading “children with low self-esteem tend to believe failures are a reflection of whom they are and that they cannot succeed even if they try harder.”(Erdly, Cain, Loomis, & Dumas-Hines, 1997 Adult development and Life Assessment p.11) I was able to break out of my shell with the help of friends that were both popular and those that were not. When, I was old enough to get a car I ended up staying out past curfew, being out of control, experimenting with underage drinking, as well as smoking and destructive to items that were not even mine. In my senior year of high school I had a major reality check done when my parents took my car away and explained to me that I needed to be more responsible for my actions. 

         Had my parents read the article by Christine Frank on Webmd they might have been able to understand why I was rebellious and broke curfew and why I did was so, afraid to call them when I received my D.U.I. after going out with friends. In the article Ms. Frank’s gives five behaviors to troubleshoot.  The article gives solutions for five problems that teens go through.  These problems are teens hating their parents, the over use of mobile devices, staying out past curfews, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and dealing with teenage drama.
    
Adult years
 During my young adult years I had many jobs until the birth of my son in August of 1998. My jobs ranged from babysitting where I would help the children with homework and interact with them either by playing games or reading a book to them, to being a family readiness volunteer.  My next job was when I was in high school working the fast food industry in the drive thru area or preparing food for a customer, or fixing a problem that came up with an order.  While I was working at the fast food places I was also, working part-time in a local bank, filing checks, making copies, rolling coins, and taking mail to the post office, I even worked as a safety deposit clerk on the weekends.  I left fast food and banking for a local gas station where I stocked freezers, made pizzas, and ran the cashier spot and took care of the deposits for the graveyard shift.  I also, did a newspaper route for the St. Louis Post Dispatch as a newspaper roller.

This, had to be one the hardest jobs I had since, I could have had a newspaper hit me in the head as it went hurling out my window.  After, I got married and moved to North Carolina with my husband Jeffrey I worked for a nationwide inventory service that would go in and count all the products or items in a certain store.  I learned very quickly that accurately counting an item and to be quick were required skills besides having taken a course in data entry in high school.

        I stayed out of work until my youngest daughter was able to start school.  It was not until we were in Fort Polk that I started working again.  I worked as a volunteer for my husband’s Family Readiness Group, where I became a co-leader and learned that you have to follow rules and regulations for fundraising, not to try to argue a point with a Major about the safety of soldiers drinking and driving, and that being a point of contact can be very time consuming and interesting.  It was once my friends started leaving the group that I ended up having to take on the extra responsibilities of being a leader and keep the morale of our soldiers up as well as the families that were left behind.  Besides, the FRG I was also, working at the school libraries shelving books, entering data on new students and clearing them when they were moving to new areas or schools. It was at my youngest daughter’s school that I got a taste of what teachers go through in a day when I was asked to substitute there until a replacement could be found.  Based on Holland’s personality types the reason why most of my jobs did not last as long as others was because they did not fit my personality type of being artistic which would of allowed me to be creative that involved something in the field of arts, and gave me a way to express myself through creativity and independence. (John Holland’s personality types p.57-58)

Advice for the future

Erin and Chris’ Letter of Advice 

          My dearest little sister to whom I would travel around the world for in order to keep safe ,and whom I consider more of a best friend that is always there to help pick up the pieces of so many other people’s lives. Chris, the one person to whom I can see as always being there to take the place of guardian, protector and friend for several years.  I am writing this letter in the hopes that your engagement and future marriage is one filled not only with love, caring and the future of nieces and/nephews, but with an understanding of how to break down the barriers of effective interpersonal interactions, finding the perfect strategy for active, critical, and empathic listening along with knowing that words can be powerful in creating and affecting attitudes, behavior even perception. Also, how important it is to have some kind of strategy to manage any interpersonal conflicts as well as gaining an understanding of the impact of gender and culture in interpersonal communication.

         It is my hope and prayer that you both find this letter full of good advice as well as helpful in avoiding any communication problems that arise now and in the future between you both at home or in the work place.

Barriers of effective interpersonal interactions

      Erin and Chris, as you embark on this new journey of your lives you will both need to understand that communication is not just for group discussions, but also for those times when you want or feel you need to share information. By breaking down the barriers that affect your interpersonal communication, you both will open a passageway to “setting a great example for talking to one another, family members at home, new neighbors, co-workers in the office, by working on this you both will be able to communicate or interact and affect each other in positive ways with dyadic communication since it involves two people.” (Sole, K.2011)    By having this dyadic communication you will be able to avoid the common obstacles or psychological factors that contribute to the disruptive effects on interpersonal communication.  By avoiding such obstacles such as defensiveness- an excessive concern with protecting yourself from being hurt, motivational distortion-wanting to hear only certain parts of what is being discussed, self-preoccupation-also known as one upping and not realizing that this has a negative effect on the other person, and game playing- the manipulative interactions with foreseen outcomes, that you or someone else hides the true intentions of the conversation that is being had.    Having these barriers broken down and avoiding or being prepared for any of the obstacles that may disrupt your interpersonal communication will help in setting up a strategy for active, critical and empathic listening skills.

Strategies for active, critical and empathic listening skills

        As H. Norman Wright put it so bluntly, “One of the greatest gifts you can give to your spouse is the gift of listening. It can be an act of connection and caring. Often when two people are talking, to one another their conversations and dialogues fall on that of the deaf. Basically, they are talking at one another instead of to one another. Listen to your spouse, he or she feels;” I must be worth hearing.” If, you ignore your spouse, the thought could be one;” What I said was not important or “He or She does not care about me!” Understand listening is much different than hearing.  Listening is that you are trying to understand the other person’s feelings. Hearing is passive, while listening is active. By sitting silently and, shutting your mouth you might find that not only does it provide quiet, but it allows you to reflect, and think about the day’s events and how you want to express them to the listener. Basically, listening can be defined in three parts. The first part is to concentrate on what you or the other person is saying and absorbing it when most people are not listening to what is being said to them but are already listening to what they are going to say in response. Too often you might think you know what your partner is going to say, so you put our minds on hold and tune each other out.      Second, is accepting what each other is saying without even judging what is being said or how it is being said. By accepting what is being said you are not agreeing , it just means that you understand that what the other person is saying is something that person feels strongly about. Finally, try repeating what your partner is saying and what you think they might be feeling while they spoke to you. Real listening signals an obvious interest in the other person’s feelings and opinions as well as an attempt in understanding each other from one another’s perspective. I know it may sound strange, but even just sitting there quietly and just listening to what each of you is saying can be a major step in strengthening your relationship with each other and in your corporate lives.  Kenny Moore found that “silence is golden” when you stop and listen to what is being said at work after he left his monastery. By just sitting and listening to what was being said at his own job he found that it improved the morale of the workers and corporate staff.  Just remember that your words hold a certain amount of power too.